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Overcome Perfectionism by Aiming to Fail

Perfectionism can paralyse.

Perfectionism can isolate.

Perfectionism can produce despair and even depression.

It is like a bitter-sweet poison: sweet because it promises a false hope of 'happily ever after if I just...' and poison because it cannot deliver its promise. It is a mirage leading you deeper into the desert of deception. And you just get thirstier as you reach for the dream...which moves again as you get closer. Its like you are a magnet and the dream is the same polarity - and you all know what happens when you put two magnets together...

The belief that you need to be perfect or that something needs to be perfect before you can start it, finish it or deliver it can develop from many sources. It is sometimes a protective mechanism trying to ensure you don't get hurt. 'If I just get it perfect then no-one can criticise me, hurt me, make me feel uncomfortable.' And often the source of it comes from an earlier life event that you may not even realise had that effect on you.

Perfectionism exists as an either-or thinking pattern. 'EITHER I get it right OR it's not good enough'.

One possible solution (and it's not perfect!) is what I term 'degrees of refreshing'. Hey, it's my term so I can call it what I want.

I'll explain in a moment but let me first acknowledge that I got the idea from Coach trainer, Dan Bradbury. He tells the story of an American Golf trainer who teaches people how to get their putts and shots wrong - ON PURPOSE - before they hit the 'correct' or 'good enough' shot. So they have taken the sting out of 'failure' by doing it deliberately in their own time.

Are ideas starting to stir in your own mind?

I also remember reading a anecdote told by a female millionaire about someone starting a fast food empire with a rubbish beat up hamburger cart. She said something like: 'Muppets [people with no willingness to work for their goals] spit on the ugly little cart not understanding that unless you start with your rubbish beat up cart you may not have the opportunity to earn enough money to buy two carts, then a new one, then a stall, then a franchise etc.'

So, put these two ideas together and you get 'degrees of refreshing'. Say you have to write a business plan (something which I have avoided for a long time) what if you start by INTENDING to write a rubbish, could hardly use it, what a messy joke kind of plan?

One where you expect than anyone using it (especially you) would find it almost useless. You fail to write a perfect first draft on purpose. In fact, you tell yourself that if you have to write 15 drafts that'll be all-right because you are not trying to write the finished product. Maybe just some basic ideas...

Then, once you've done that you look at it and decide you could make one bit of it a bit better (but you're still not trying to finish it) and then perhaps another bit.

Although this isn't an eloquent way of doing things do you see what is going on here. You are telling yourself that you are in control of making this mess. You are creating your first hamburger cart!

Victor Frankl would have called this paradoxical intent. You get to be in control by trying to do badly the thing you want to do. This automatically puts you in control. Paradoxical intent allows you to sneak up on yourself until you can develop a better attitude.

Put your hand together in front of you, palm to palm. ONE hand represents EITHER and other OR. Now pull them apart slowly and imagine images appearing like cards between your hands. At one of the cards is your muppet, stupid version of your plan. At the other is a 'good enough' plan. And you put as MANY cards in between as you want to.

The thing about perfectionism is that it tries to make you're your own little god in your own world. But you can fight it because you are not God are you? Therefore, there are things you don't know, resources you don't have, people will behave like people behave and the world is a beautiful place that can be brutal. No, I'm not a pessimist.

1) Redefine the meaning of the word - who gave it that definition? Don't be a wimp now. Yes, you can. I'm sorry if you don't like it but tough. I am speaking the truth in love here.

Questions

You have to be perfect? Says who?

You must? According to who?

You need to? And if you don't?

Unless Moses dropped the 11th commandment the 'thou shalt be perfect' bit got left off the tablet. There is no universal law stating you have to be perfect and all-knowing.

It was YOU who decided you need to be perfect. 'But my father told me....' Yes, but who is running your brain now?

Please, fight this attitude, really fight it. As Albert Ellis, creator of REBT says you need to keep hacking away, it's not enough to dispute it with a wussy, soft attitude.

You gotta dispute with attitude. Think Mr T and say to that perfectionistic attitude: 'Hey fool! You in my crib. Geddout!'

Douglas Cartwright is trained in the revolutionary Meta-Coaching and is a personal clarity engineer who helps people 'renew their minds and live their words'. To find out more, visit http://www.livingwords.net and book your free introductory session. This powerful change experience is not for everyone. But it might be for you. Come to the site and find out.