What is your ‘truth’?
I’m an old man and I’ve had many troubles, most of which have never happened. Mark Twain
As a man thinketh in his heart, so He is (Proverbs 23:7)
As a Christian, to stay healthy in mind-body and spirit I have to call myself a liar on a regular basis.
Interested? Intrigued?
After all, is honesty supposed to be a basic Christian trait?
Well, yes, yes, and sort of. It’s a bit of trick question so please let me explain.
I hope we would agree that we all exercise our honesty about something we believe is true, right?
So let me ask you: how do you know what you know is true?
For instance, how do you know that what you believe about yourself is true?
I’d like you to muse for a moment and think of something about yourself you are sure is true. Thank you.
Now, is this something true because you feel it’s true?
Or because you have enough compelling mental logical reasons to believe it is so?
Or perhaps because you’ve tried the belief out for yourself and experiencing the result ‘in the flesh’ was evidence enough?
Could it be confirmed when you tell yourself in that tone of voice it’s the authoritative voice of truth?
Maybe you just – know?
To put it another way – what evidence do you use to confirm your truth?
So what’s the point of this? Stay with me on this, we getting there.
Think about the people you know.
Can you think of anyone who believes things about themselves that just don’t hold up under examination?
It could be a friend with real talent who just doesn’t see it.
It could be you, unwilling to accept comments or (and I’m sure this isn’t so) unable to see your faults. (My children point out mine so I can take it easy!)
It could be a limiting belief or attitude about what you’re really capable of.
I’d say we probably all know people like this and even if you don’t you just need to watch the X-factor to see the reels of people whose believe they are gifted but whose talents are definitely to be found in other fields of endeavour!
The point is that we have various ways of confirming to ourselves that something is true – and the kicker is that we may not even be able to see that it is not – to our detriment.
What? How so?
You see, as humans we make sense of the world through our perceptions (our thoughts and emotions) which are self-reinforcing – so we tend to keep seeing and hearing what we already believe – and these perceptions become our ‘truth’.
This is not really breaking news. As King Solomon, said to be the wisest man who ever lived proclaimed: “Every way of a man is right in his own eyes.” (Proverbs 22:12). (And he said it over 3000 years ago.)
Being ‘right’ about yourself is not so much of a problem if what you believe enables you to authentically express your innermost thoughts and desires, to be magnanimous, to act out of your own sense of personal power and to fulfil your purpose in the world and so on.
These are some of the traits of a self-actualising person and come from the field of self-actualising psychology which suggests as one of its ‘truths’ that you are naturally designed to be able to be more, do more, have more, contribute more… to become the best you can be.
So why aren’t we all naturally ‘actualising’? After all, however optimistic your view of the world there’s a heap-load of people in it who are miserable and unhappy despite their apparently affluent circumstances.
Abraham Maslow, one of the leaders of the Positive Psychology Movement, suggested that in order to reach our peak potential and actualise we need to have fulfilled a set of lower needs that include feeling safe and secure, experiencing love and affection and esteeming ourselves.
But for various reasons stretching from parents that didn’t take Parenting 101 to toxic beliefs we’ve picked up from society about what it takes to be happy, we have taken on beliefs about ourselves that we are unworthy, unwilling and unable to rise up and express ourselves at our best. So we stay ‘stuck’.
Back to you for a pop-quiz.
What are some of your beliefs (or even excuses) that you use to prevent yourself from doing what you know would be best for you and others around you? To taking your potential to the next level?
Too old?
Too young?
Too little money.
Too much money?
I can’t
They wouldn’t like it
I don’t feel worthy…
What is your ‘truth’ about what you can and cannot do?
To be fair, some of these beliefs will be true. I will never play for the NBA, not least because I am only 5 ft 7, 34, and unfit. I will certainly not be the next American president (because I’m English) and because I would issue an edict about making real tea. (I’ve not yet stayed in an American hotel that has decent English tea so I bring my own!)
But is it true that I always need to be in fear of other peoples’ comments? Is it true that I can only feel secure with heaps of money? Is it true that I am un-loveable? Well, at one point I believed all of these things. Once they were ‘true’, now they are not.
Why? Because just like Neo in the 1999 film The Matrix I have started to wake up to the Matrix of my mind – “the world that has been pulled over my eyes” and the awareness that this internal world is of my own creating! All the things that ‘seemed’ so real actually exist only in my mind-body-spirit system.
Until you become fully awake to the fact that you create your own ‘truth’ (neurologically speaking) you cannot consciously change it. But once you realise that the rules in your head just ‘seem real’ then you can, as Morpheus said to Neo “free your mind”.
You are free to redefine your beliefs about feelings secure and safe, about your ability to love and esteem yourself. You are free to fully take up your ability to direct your will as much as you are able, to make a difference in the world.
I know this may come as a shock but your ‘reality’ – the world as you perceive it isn’t any more or less real than mine or anyone else’s. So if we made it up, we can change it.
Where many people (including myself) get caught is in the ‘it feels so real’ trap. And of course it does – your emotions are a reflection of your thinking and your thinking processes are designed to reinforce themselves, remember.
I’ll give you an example of how serious this can get. There is a story of a patient who was seeing a counsellor because he was convinced he was dead. The counsellor pricked the patient’s finger and the man watched as fresh blood trickled out of his finger. “Well I’ll be darned,” said the man, “corpses do bleed!”
In The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, T. Harv Eker said: “If you want the secret to instant enlightenment - don’t believe a thought you think!”
So how do we start to wake up to our matrix especially if the reward is to be able to cast off toxic hurtful beliefs and claim our true humanity which comes from a place of joy? (Don’t believe me? – think of a two year old exploring a muddy puddle – and enjoy the thought yourself!)
The foundational skill is that of ‘stepping back’ or ‘going meta’. It’s very simple and you do it the moment you ask yourself: What do I think about this?
Conceptually, you step-back to a place where you can ‘reflect on’, and ‘think about’ your previous thoughts. Yes, and do you notice how those phrases are so present in everyday language – or do you need to ‘muse on’ that or step back for a bigger perspective? (grin)
So pick something small and simple that you’re not sure you believe about yourself any more. Get a pad and paper. And write down answers to the question:
“When I think about x, what comes to mind?”
Then take a break, drink some water, go for a walk. And come back and ask yourself questions like:
How specifically do I know this is true?
What is my evidence? It is my feelings? Is it data? Because Aunty Ethel said so?
When I consider that ‘objectively’ do I still believe it?
When I attempt to pick holes in that argument, does it still hold water?
And then…
If I had the choice, would I continue to believe it?
Do I want to pass this onto my children?
How does this impact the other areas of my life?
And once you know, you can start to ask yourself questions like:
What would be a more life-enhancing belief?
What would be a more helpful belief to have if I could have any belief I wanted?
What is it like to act as-if and try it on for a while? How does it play out when I imagine using it in the appropriate contexts?
So how does all this relate to being a Christian and calling myself a liar?
Well, Jesus made a number of statements one of them being, “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life.”
At times this is really hard to accept because I have my way but I have committed to believing His Way is THE Way.
And when He says there is something I need to change in order to experience “life to the full” and it conflicts with mine, I have a choice to make – whose truth am I going to believe?
And my ‘truth’ at times feels so real. The times when I’ve felt unlovable, that God can’t forgive me – these thoughts and emotions are not objectively true but neurologically they come across as natural, just the way it is, reality, truth.
And this is when I need to step back – and remind myself that this truth is a lie and that “it only feels real.” I need to ask myself those reality testing questions and remind myself that when it comes to doubting my potential to become more like Christ – if I believe that I can be anything less than He made me to be - then I am a liar.
As Mark Twain supposedly said: "It's not what we don't know that's the problem, it's what we know that ain't so."
So, what do you know that ‘ain’t so’? Do you know?? J Are you prepared to doubt that you have to be anything less than the most glorious expression of you?
What do you believe is ‘true’ that actually is out of alignment with what is really true about yourself?
Are there really some ‘truths’ about being human that are available to help you become the authentic _expression of YOU?
Where do you get your truth from?
If you are eager to examine the ‘truth’ of what you are really capable of, a qualified coach can help immensely.
Meta-coaching is a cutting-edge method of helping you bring out your best and helping you overcome mental and emotional obstacles to succeeding. If you are curious about how and where you can develop and even transform your performance, call in to chat and arrange a free introductory session.
Copyright 2008, Douglas Cartwright
Fear of commitment?
If you listen closely in a bar on a Saturday night I imagine that at some point you will hear a man or a woman talking about fear of commitment. And at the risk of stereotyping it will usually be the man/men joking about commitment in terms of “not being tied down” and the women complaining that the men won’t commit to a relationship.
So what is it about this word, this term, this abstract concept that strikes fear into the heart of men (ok, and women).
Well, people aren’t afraid of a word but they can get afraid of what it means and what it means to most people is ‘restriction’, being ‘trapped’, ‘limited options’ – basically – a loss of freedom.
In his book Free Yourself from Fears Joseph O’Connor says:” What they are afraid of is committing themselves, of taking action that they think might loose them something.”
You can hardly blame people for having the idea that commitment involves loss. Our media shows men ‘playing the field’ as more desirable than staying with one person, it portrays strong women as vicious conniving man-eaters. Most aspects of consumer advertising are about choice. We have a strong individualistic bent here in the West and an aversion to loosing our freedom.
One of the assumptions behind this negative view is that commitment involves loss. But is that necessarily and actually true with a capital T?
What do you think about commitment? What does it mean to you?
Think about something you think you should be committed to but are not as fully as you would like:
What feelings do you get?
What pictures do you see in your mind?
What sounds do you hear?
Is there an internal voice?
What words do you say to yourself about commitment ‘in the back of your mind’?
Is committing an all or nothing state or do you have various levels of commitment?
What previous experiences do you have of committing yourself to another person and what happened?
(p205)
Do you realise that all of the above just take place in your mind?
Michelle Duval of Equilibrio (www.equilibrio.au) says that “commitment equals freedom”. How’s that for a mind-shocker? Take a deep breath, and allow yourself to think ‘How could this be so?’ We’ll come back to that.
Think of something or someone you are committed to – perhaps loving a child or a friend, perhaps living out a particular principle. Go through the above questions again and ask yourself if there is any difference.
For me, when I think of something I have committed to there is a certain feeling of security, of ‘knowing where I stand’ with that thing or person. My mental pictures are sharper, clear, more in focus. I speak to myself in a more confident voice. For me, in that area, ‘commitment = gain’.
People often think of commitment as an all-or-nothing state. Either they are completely committed or they are not. I struggled for most of my Christian life with that idea – that I had given my commitment to following Jesus Christ and had often fallen short of living out that ideal. I also struggled with the (now it seems crazy) idea that once I had committed to something I had to give up my sense of control to that thing – it now ‘owned’ me because I had committed to it.
However, I recently began thinking that commitment was more of an ongoing process – one of doing something, and then choosing the next time to do it again, and again – and again – if I so decided.
Now, perhaps some of you are throwing up your hands and saying ‘Whoh!’ – you can’t just change you mind when you feel like it. To that I say ‘yes’ and ‘no’. The fact is, I can change my mind whenever I want but what is more important is to realise that having the freedom to change my mind helps me to choose not to!
I read a book once called Willpower which suggested one of the keys to giving up smoking and over-eating was to realise that you could, if you really wanted, smoke or eat anytime you wanted to. It was the denial of your freedom that made something so much more attractive. When you realise that you choose to do something other than smoke or have that chocolate – the choice helped you to realise you were still free!
Joseph O’Connor says “…we can commit ourselves gradually; it is a journey rather than a fixed point of arrival. Commitment has a lot in common with trust.” [my italics]
When we decide to trust someone we usually do it in degrees, do we not? Yes, we all know someone who will trust anyone but in general we will self-disclose to a certain limit, see how it pans out, and then open up a bit more if the person receives us favourably - and then disclose some more, taking a risk and an extra step forward.
So it is with commitment – we can tentatively commit and see how it goes.
Yes, there are definitely some commitments to which you cross over a threshold and determine to yourself and others that you will not go back – you will fight for uphold and keep moving towards what you value.
King Solomon who is said to be the wisest man who has ever lived said: “An honest man keeps his word even when it hurts.”
Do you wish to be thought of as honest? Keeping your word? Do you want people to trust you?
Then you must commitment to this principle and remember that commitment is also linked to integrity and prospering if you think about it. James, the brother of Jesus Christ said “…a double minded man is unstable in all his does.”
I am married, and have every intention of fighting for the survival and prospering of that marriage. I am committed to loving my children, building knowledge and so on.
But these are commitments I have decided there is so much worth attached to that I will fight for them as hard as I can. It is the same with my relationship with God which sometimes shines like a lighthouse over the dark sea, and sometimes flickers like a small candle in a wind that threatens to blow it out.
But with both lights, creatures: human and moth move towards the light because it attracts them and offers something of worth in both cases, something they want.
Michelle has been teaching us on a business mentoring course about thinking in processes. For years I avoided using procedures because I felt trapped by having to follow a process. She helped me realise that a sales process (for example) can help us feel free because if we knew it well we would always know at what stage of the selling process we are at!
You see, if you think of freedom as ‘having no limits’ you’ll actually never get anywhere. You need to define what you want, when you want to have it, and how you intend to get it. All of these things determine limiting what you focus on to what is necessary and sufficient to getting what you want. If you want good stomach, muscles you do the exercises that focus on building up your stomach muscles. If you want to gain interest on money, you invest in specific ways.
If you want to please someone you love, you do so by finding out what specific values they have, what things they like doing and so on. You don’t say “I want the freedom to decide what pleases you so I’ll buy you what I like.”
You do things which they value – and even if they have diverse tastes they are still not infinite – they have limits. And to keep pleasing that person you, (yes you know it) commit to pressing those buttons as that equals their preferences.
This is maturity – doing what you need to do to get the results you want – there’s a kind of pride that comes with saying: “Yes, I’m committed to doing the best job possible” – my God, my wife, my children.
If you want to serve God, you find out what He is about, and work to change your heart and mind to please Him.
What does all the above about commitment come down to? Bottom line, it’s actually about the way you define it! You can be committed to gradually becoming more committed or you can make an all or nothing decision.
So how do you define commitment?
Does that definition work for you?
There are processes for both and a coach can help you develop your own particular method. If you want to develop more commitment (and focus), contact us for a chat in one of our free introductory sessions.
Copyright Douglas Cartwright 2008
